Oh, hello. I'm Jeffrey, your host for this evening. Welcome to this week's episode of ProcrastiMATION, your favorite animation show. Our topic this week is a look at an obscure, terrifying subculture, and its inevitable spread across the youth of today. That subculture... is CARRIES.

Before I delve into the details of this horrible plague-to-be, let me bring you up to speed on its predecessor... FURRIES.

I'm sure many of you already know this, but there's a great number of people who find this attractive. (zoom out from curves to a picture of Bugs Bunny). Not only that, but they dress up like animals, act like animals, and screw like animals. They're called furries, and they're ALL AROUND YOU. That kid with the sad wolf howling at the moon shirt? (cut to fat kid with shirt) Furry. That dude who makes the comic with animals who act like humans? (cut to Bill Watterson) Furry. Your next-door neighbor with the cat? Furry. That's right, if you like animals, you're a furry. So don't be that. And believe me, everything I say is 100% true and not biased or uneducated. I know these things.

So furries are attracted to anthropomorphized cartoon animals. But how did they get this way? Let's give a little example, shall we?

Let's say you're a kid of about 10 years old. You're starting to... develop. You're flipping through the channels and you come across some Spring Break dance party. You start to feel... funny. You know. And then your mom comes in...

Mom: "Billy! You shouldn't be watching that! Watch this instead." *turns to Looney Tunes*

And all of a sudden, you're scarred for life.

Now, onto our actual topic: carries. Just like furries, but with CARS. Now you might be asking, sure, I could imagine the occasional craving for some wolf anus, but why the heck would anyone be attracted to cars?

Well let's take, for example, the new movie Cars. You're in an entire world where there's nothing but cars, and if you're in that world, you're a car too. Not to mention, there are female cars with supposed sex appeal. Cars having relationships. You're saying it's just a movie, right? Well think of the imitations, the spinoffs, the crappy animated series, and more that will come from this idea. The movie's simply a catalyst. Soon our entire world will be filled with cartoon cars.

Mom: "Billy! You shouldn't be watching that! Watch this instead."

So now having watched, learned from, and adopted the habits of cartoon cars, the child is lost in a sea of confusion...

Boy: (pantomiming driving down a street) Beep beep! I'm a car!
(gets run over by a giant truck)

...and sometimes blood.

But wait!, you say. These are cars, they're not even living things. How can they be anthropomorphized? Umm... say hello to your favorite robots in disguise. And yeah, somewhere in Japan, there's definitely some adult comic with giant mechanized penises. Just trust me on that one.

So what's the point? Why am I telling you this? Well, remember... I'm a cartoon. Maybe if you kids out there watch enough of me, you'll inherit my traits so much that you'll turn into me. I can imagine it now... an entire nation of Jeffreys.

Jeffrey: Whoa, hey Jeffrey, looking good.
Jeffrey: How about you and I go somewhere, and...

THE END